Signs that your limits are being crossed: examples and how to deal with them (2023)

Ignoring your "no," doing the opposite of what you asked for, and making fun of your requests are all signs that your limits are being pushed. Knowing when someone is crossing the line is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships.

Boundaries are essential to human connection and personal safety. They protect you, establish the rules of engagement, and allow you to maintain your individuality. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, material, or related to time.

However, not everyone respects the boundaries of others. And sometimes you may not know that someone has crossed the line. but this is importantyou teach others how to treat you.

Here are the telltale signs of broken boundaries and how to deal with someone who crosses the line.

1. Codependent behavior

Codependency refers to a specific relationship dynamic in which one person puts their own needs aside and the other tends to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

conflict preventionmiplease peopleare common in codependent relationships. Among other things, these behaviors can indicate difficulties in setting and following limits.

Feeling resentful of things you do for the other person, even if you volunteered, is also asigns of codependency.

"If you're upset because you accepted someone else's expectations, that person may have violated your personal boundaries," she explains.Bryana Kappadakunnel, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. "Often, people feel that if they don't sacrifice their limitations for the needs of others, they won't be wanted, loved, or valued."

2. You have to set the limit repeatedly

You have set your limits, but the person continues to act that way. Having to set her boundaries repeatedly can be an indicator of a boundary violation.

"You have to constantly defend, explain and justify the reasons for the limitation," he says.Angela Sitka, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Santa Rosa, California. "If you meet a person who doesn't respect your boundaries, they probably won't accept them at first sight."

Sitka explains that ignoring their boundaries can be conscious behavior or unconscious forgetfulness if they have low self-esteem.

"You may want to mention it multiple times, ask questions, and examine the limit, even if you clearly explained the limit the first time," he adds. "It might even sound like a déjà vu conversation."

3. They expressed discomfort

You've defined and explained your boundaries, but they keep breaking them. Now you also express how you feel and they continue to behave in a similar way. This is another example of a boundary violation.

"A key sign that someone isn't respecting your boundaries is if they don't stop acting out after you've expressed your discomfort," she says.quinelle hickman, a licensed individual and couples therapist in New York City.

Hickman explains that complaints can include:

• "Do not stop!"
• I do not like that
• I don't want to
• I would rather not
• i'm not ready to do this
• what makes me feel (insert negative emotion)

"If you've basically asked for something to stop and someone is trying to talk you out of it or continuing to engage in activities that you oppose, these are signs that they aren't respecting your boundaries," she adds.

4. You feel bad

Maybe you haven't given much thought to the signs that your limits are being pushed. But you know that you feel uncomfortable or that something is wrong when that person is around. This can also be a sign of broken boundaries.

“They come into your room and you feel uncomfortable. Whether it's in physical, emotional, or mental space, if you're feeling uncomfortable, it's probably a boundary violation," she says.Katie Lorz, LMHC, Trauma and Relationship Counselor for Women at HGCM Therapy in Washington.

"You're physically uncomfortable. They may have sweaty palms, an upset stomach, a racing heart, elevated body temperature, or claustrophobia," says Lorz. "This is their body's natural response and signals that things feel uncertain and that a line is being crossed." ".

In addition to the physical symptoms of discomfort, you may also have trouble processing your thoughts and emotions when that person is around.

“You may find it difficult to think clearly or have racing thoughts. You may be feeling frustrated, angry, or unable to make decisions," adds Lorz. "You may start to avoid social situations, take extra steps to avoid the person, or worry about interacting with them."

Being in a relationship with someone who constantly crosses the line can cause you to experience mental health symptoms. Lorz says this can include:

• distress, Includingpanic attacksmiAgoraphobia
• Depression
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Paranoia

"Checking your thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions is a good way to determine if you're crossing a social line," Lorz advises.

5. They don't hear or recognize you

One sign that someone is not respecting your boundaries is stopping or changing the conversation when you share something important.

"For example, if you're trying to share your thoughts and feelings with a loved one, [but] they keep talking about you, interrupting a conversation, or stopping in the middle of the conversation," says Hickman. "effective conversationsRequire that all parties allow adequate time to speak, consider each other's points, and pause when necessary. When conversations aren't approached fairly, it's a sign that you or your partner aren't respecting boundaries."

6. They minimize or make fun of your requests

Sometimes it's hard to consider other people's intentions when they say things "in jest" or when you're not sure if they're "just kidding."

But sometimes humor canmanipulation tacticsIt is used to cross the line.

Sitka explains that a sign of broken boundaries could be "acknowledging or minimizing the needs that led to the edge." [For example] “Oh come on! My late-night calls won't bother you so much. You sleep a lot!'"

Handlingit could also be a red flag, says Sitka. This could include saying things like "You're too sensitive. Lighten up!"

7. They pressure you

Someone may not only ignore your requests, but also try to change your mind about your limits. This can be done in a number of ways, from making fun of their reasons for limiting themselves to feeling guilty about pushing themselves to the limit.

They may tell you how much you've changed, how sensitive you are, or that someone else would never "do" that to them.

They may blame you for not loving them enough or for not being there when they need you.

You can also use thesilent treatmentoGeistevery time you break the record.

This could all be an attempt to keep breaking your boundaries and manipulating you into thinking you're right.

How to deal with someone who doesn't respect boundaries

Experts agree that limits are about you, not other people. You have no control over anyone's behavior, but you can make decisions and act according to your needs and desires.

"A common misconception about boundaries is that someone else is crossing them," says Lorz. “One of the most important parts of border work is understanding thatOfthey are responsible for maintaining their boundaries with another person. your limits arearenurture, communicate and honor".

Communication

“The first step concerns you and only you. You have to be clear about what your values ​​are and what limits you stick to because of it, ”says King. "Second, if someone is violating your boundaries, I encourage you to use itsecure communication.“

Expressing your limit and how it feels when you cross the limit is essential to establishing it.healthy relationships.

"When a person's actions, beliefs, or communication seem like a boundary violation, it's important that they know and respect their boundaries," says Lorz.

Security

Lorz recommends checking how safe it is to confront the person who has crossed the line.

"If it's safe to tell him, be direct, kind, and clear about your boundaries and how you'll respond when a boundary is crossed," she says. "If telling them feels unsafe, seek the advice of a trusted friend, family member or therapist to help you create a plan to show the person their limits."

Suppose you feel that confronting the person might jeopardize their safety. In this case, Lorz says, it's important to "protect yourself, stay out of contact and, if necessary, take legal action by getting a protective order or injunction, or filing a police report."

compromise and negotiation

Not all boundary violations are the same. It may be worth talking to the other person about those who don't take care of their safety and integrity.

"You may need to get to the bottom of the importance of crossing the line and find another way for [them] to meet their needs in the relationship if that's the reason for the pain," King says. “That's the negotiation/commitment part. And you only trade things that are tradeable.”

Behavior change

What happens when you have committed, explained and demanded your wishes more than once? A change of strategy may be necessary.

"The best thing to do is refrain from any behavior that allows you to be disrespected," Hickman suggests. "Once your behavior changes, your loved one may try even harder to make things go back to the way they were."

Hickman says they can distance themselves from you, haveemotional outbursts, or switch to full trading mode.

"If you're clear, firm, and consistent with your boundaries, you'll see a change in your loved one's behavior over time," she says.

If not, it may be time to disconnect or distance yourself emotionally.

"Although some situations require compromises, don't risk your luck," advises Hickman. “As crime increases, so does your negative emotion in teaching a person that they can get away with it. Save yourself the pain in the long run by setting clear, firm, and consistent boundaries and walking away sooner rather than later.

DEAR MAN

To deal with those who don't respect boundaries, Sitka offers a strategy ofDialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): CAROMAN.

The acronym summarizes seven steps to deal with someone who crosses the line:

Describe

How can you explain what is bothering or bothering you without judging or blaming?

"When we have you home recently, you often mention that we should parent differently when Sam throws a tantrum."

to express

Can you express your feelings and thoughts about the situation using first person statements?

“Being a new parent has been stressful for me. Listening to opinions and judgments about our upbringing worries me”.

claim

Can you clearly say what you want and don't want the other person to do?

"I wish you could come and enjoy time together without giving us advice on what to do with our parents when she throws tantrums."

Strengthen

Would you highlight the benefits of your order?

"I'd be relieved and supported if I could handle his tantrums without worrying about the comments about how I'm a parent."

mindful focus

Can you focus on your needs?

"I know you understand how stressful being a parent is. I trust I can enjoy our time together more peacefully without parental feedback."

look confident

You can change your body language, tone of voice, andmetacommunicationto show your certainty in your position?

Negotiate

Are you open to other solutions to the problem?

"How about I ask for your opinion on other parenting issues that come up? I know you have great potty training ideas!"

professional support

Setting and respecting boundaries in new relationships can be a trial and error process for some.

“Boundary violations are not uncommon in relationships. They are often a sign that a communication breakdown is occurring and can be remedied simply by taking the time to talk openly and set clear boundaries in the relationship," says Lorz. "If that doesn't work, enlist the support of a therapist, counselor, mediator or a trusted third party can help.